Monkey Mind

I've recently committed to meditating about an hour a day as part of a stress reduction program. I was really tired today after a late night hanging with the guys and stealing a few minutes (ok, maybe more than a few) of an English Premier League game I've been waiting to watch for a week.
During my session this morning, my mind was all over the place! I couldn't seem to concentrate for any length of time at all. I simplified my mental exertion and muddled through the 45 minutes, but, wow!
So they say that's one of the first lessons is to recognize that monkey jumping around in your head isn't you and to learn to just see it and accept it. Easier said than done.

The Embrace

I was doing an image search on Google and found this. It immediately drew my attention. Once I read the artist's description I realized that she had achieved her goal.

"I wanted to manifest in the image of the body of a man, his contradictory physical and mental qualities: strong and weak; tender and savage. The sphere is the hidden mystery. It is everything we are looking for: what we neglect to approach and are frightened to know."
Rita Adaïmy was born in 1968 and lives in Kessrouan in the north of Lebanon.

Already Broken

“You see this goblet?” asks Ajahn Chah, the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”

- Mark Epstein
Thoughts Without a Thinker

Reaping the Seeds of Misunderstanding

Yesterday I witnessed an altercation between some parents at a youth sports event. The details are unimportant, there was yelling in front of children, power threats and the like. I can't get away from my mental reaction to it all.

Firstly, the haze I've been in lately became more defined as I realized that right now I am just unable to process events as they occur if they're anything but ordinary. I stood there and watched and was completely paralyzed. I felt myself starting in one direction, then abruptly stopping and going in another - both mentally and physically. I imagine my mental cognition of these things right now as a flowing river that's been slowly dammed up. Or a traffic queue that has a very short light. There's only so much processing time or power or whatever for dealing with emotions that they just get backed up and have to wait their turn. This of course took several hours for me to realize. In the meantime I felt like a fool, trying to look like I knew what I was doing.

Another thing that seems to have gotten to me and disturbed me more deeply than I expected, was the level of anger and lack of control. This was like a follow up case study for me after a recent conversation with a friend about anger. It's just such a pure reaction. There's no premeditation to it, at least it's initial outburst. This is obviously where the cliché to take a 'deep breath' comes from. For the next hour during the game, my heart was racing. It gave me such anxiety.

Now this is obvious, especially if you lack the details, but the context of this argument was a kid's game. Let's break this down. When you're dealing with kids, especially young, impressionable kids, you're constantly on stage setting an example. Yelling and threatening another adult in their presence sets a poor one. Secondly, it's a game. Fun, enjoyment, lacking a serious aspect. Competitive - yes, but in a friendly way.

As I tried to digest how I really felt about this in the ensuing car ride, I finally settled on the thought that each of the parties involved loves what they're doing. They do it for their own children and themselves. They spend hours of volunteer time each week, coaching, organizing, shuttling and calling. When you invest this much time into something, not to mention if your child is involved as well, it is easy to have an expectation about how things should come together. Letting go of these expectations is not always an easy thing to do. Some do it better than others. In the end, that is what diffused this situation. A little talking, yes - some ignoring. But waiting until cooler emotions could emerge is always a good idea.

In the end, let's make sure the kids have fun and enjoy their games. Hopefully they also learn a little something while on, and off, the field.

The Darjeeling Limited

I had the evening to myself so I decide to rent a movie that I've been eying for sometime, The Darjeeling Limited, starring Owen Wilson, Adrian Brody, and Jason Schwartzman.
I really had no idea what to expect and was pleasantly surprised. It had a disjointedness to it that really set the tone of the entire film. None of these three brothers know what they're about or what they're doing. Despite this quirky undercurrent, the message that comes through is that we're all bruised and battered, confused and occasionally inept, but we move ahead. We have our wounds but we heal.

My Wife, My Solace

As a man, I primarily think of my identity in individual terms: I like sports. I am a geek. I enjoy making a complete idiot of myself to embarrass my daughters or for a laugh. That's why it never ceases to amaze me that when I get all stressed and befuddled by life's many mysteries and I go off into my mental man wilderness, that no matter what map I consult or theory I settle upon to get through the twisted thickets and ominous thunderheads that I imagine are threatening me, a few minutes of discussing my predicament with my guide, so many of my troubles seem much smaller.
A woman's approach perhaps, but it suits this man just fine.